Drunk. Bulimic. Passed out by a dumpster. Not what you would expect from somebody who God had healed of anorexia just 3 short years before.  I mean I had seen God work up close and personal.  What happened to bring me to a place where I identified with trash?

I guess I just couldn’t buy the whole truth.  I got that Jesus loved me, but it was a long time before I believed that He was good.  I got that I was a new creation in Christ, but I didn’t understand how that made me O.K.  I just wanted to be O.K.  I just wanted to be loved.  I just wanted to not be haunted by constant pain. Could Jesus save me from me?

I needed triage badly—I was bleeding from lots of places and was too far gone to hear God’s voice anymore.  So God sent me a boyfriend that was committed to me (in the college sense) and who played the guitar and helped me fall asleep after dinner each night so that I could keep my food down.  You see, I didn’t try to throw up.  My body was just whacked enough that I couldn’t keep food down very well.

With my bulimia addressed and my desperate need for approval quieted by a boyfriend, Jesus finally had me in place where I could begin to truly learn about him and from him.  I began reading books about Jesus as well as the Bible and discovered that He was not the establishment.  He was not sitting there shaking His head at me, thinking that I would never get it together.  Instead I learned that Jesus came for me . . . for people just like me, who mess up and then do it again.  When I read the following passage, I realized that I was the brokenhearted, who needed to be released from the darkness, and receive comfort.  I needed the oil of gladness and freedom from despair.
 
 1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners,
 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.   (Isaiah 61:1-3)

I remember sitting outside on my balcony, reading this and thinking that Jesus can save me even from me! That was the beginning of the love affair.

Like any relationship, mine with God has hit some rough patches, but as a friend once told me, God just wants you to crawl up in His lap.  He doesn’t care if you crawl up and pass out, or crawl up and cry, or crawl up and tell him how angry you are at Him.  All that matters is that you somehow crawl back into the lap of our loving Lord and Savior, Jesus.

P.S.  My college boyfriend and I broke up at graduation. Jesus and I are still together.