"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee." --Augustine

Recently, I sat through a painful 2.5 hours of the recent Sex and the City movie installment; only to conclude at the end that the women portrayed in this film are more desperate than ever...desperate for a love that fills them with a sense of security that can not be stripped away by career upsets, menopause, aging bodies or rocky marriages. The four women once again display the angst and insecurity found in looking for love in all the wrong places.

The following is an excerpt from my book Sex and the City Uncovered, I pray that women who look to Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda as their role models will read this and discover the true source of love, security, and confidence...that can never be taken from her.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Do women just really want to be rescued?--Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City
(Season 3, episode 31, “Where There’s Smoke There’s Fire”)

Back on the island—Manhattan, that is—their get-together results in a lively discussion of the topic “Why do women love firemen?” Miranda leads the charge with her observations, and the others follow suit. Their conversation is the typical brunch banter until Charlotte chimes in with her reason, bringing the table to a stunned silence: “Women just really want to be rescued.” She sighs as she props up her aching head with her hands. You could hear a pin drop as the other women stare back at her in disbelief. Did she really just say that? At this point Carrie, in a voice-over, describes Charlotte’s comment as “the statement single women in their thirties are never supposed to think, much less say out loud.”

The Girls

Just in case you aren’t familiar with the show (or you’ve been watching PBS for the last decade), let me give you a little 411 on the girls of Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw writes a column about sex and relationships in New York City. Carrie is fashionable and witty, and her love life is the catalyst for the show’s plotline. No one captures the plight of the love-seeking single woman better than Carrie Bradshaw. She uses her own dating experiences as material for her column, and she is not one to shy away from difficult or taboo subjects. Carrie is real—real about her desires and real about her weaknesses. Somehow through it all she still hopes to find real love. Carrie’s escapades as a single woman in New York include her three best friends: Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.

Samantha Jones is a powerful NYC publicist who brings the shock factor to the group as she relates her sexual conquests to the girls. Samantha wears shamelessness as a badge of honor. Sam Jones is a successful woman who knows what she wants—and most of the time she gets it. On the outside she radiates confidence in everything. Although there are moments that reveal serious cracks in her armor, for the most part Samantha seems to relish in her lifestyle. She embraces uninhibited sexuality with a varied (and large) group of men. Forget wedding dreams; Samantha is one to choose lust over love any night, and she’s proud of it. The only thing Sam fears is a real relationship.

Next we have the practical and very serious Miranda Hobbs. Miranda is smart, self-assured, and proud of her achievements. She is driven, be it in her professional or personal life. She made partner in her law firm and bought her own apartment on the Upper West Side. However, like the other women, she struggles with her love life. At times, Miranda has abandoned the pursuit of love altogether. Known as the tough girl, she doesn’t open up easily, masking her vulnerability with cynicism and self-deprecating humor about life and love.

Charlotte York is an art gallery curator who is portrayed to be prudish (by the show’s standards) when it comes to sex but hasn’t lost her faith in finding “the one.” Charlotte has an optimistic outlook on love and romance amid the ever-complex dating scene of NYC. Well bred, she walks through life with a perfect sense of decorum and a good dose of idealism. For years Charlotte has maintained a clear vision of the life she’s wanted. First and foremost, she wants to get married. She wants true love. And she wants her husband to be wealthy and handsome and to belong to the social elite.

In this particular episode, “Where There’s Smoke There’s Fire,” each character deals with the desire to be “rescued” in her own stereotypical style. Charlotte, believing a man will solve all of life’s problems, vows that this is the year she will finally get married. She complains to her girlfriends, “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen. I’m exhausted! Where is he?” So in this episode, Charlotte goes in search of the man she hopes will be her Prince Charming. But alas, the prince she meets while out with Carrie one night is less than charming. For Charlotte, the search for the white knight continues.

Carrie, on the other hand, still struggling from a recent breakup, turns to her beloved Jimmy Choos as her lifesaver. Deciding “to rescue her ankles from a life of boredom,” in typical Carrie fashion, she maxes out her credit card and goes shopping, hoping to fix all that ails her. I have to ask, how many pairs of shoes does it take to rescue a woman?

Meanwhile Miranda is in need of a real rescue, but her self-reliant attitude rises to the surface and keeps her from asking for help. She views the need to be rescued as a weakness. Miranda takes independence to an extreme and refuses to let her boyfriend Steve assist her after her eye surgery. In fear of appearing needy, she’d rather risk her health than accept Steve’s offer of assistance, but luckily he comes to her aid despite her protests. Miranda’s way of dealing with the desire to be rescued is a simple one: denial.

Samantha tackles her “rescue” fantasy through her characteristic way: sex. Void of sentiments or emotional need, Sam hopes sexual pleasure will rescue her. While visiting her current fling, the fireman she met at the calendar contest, Samantha seeks to fulfill her own fireman fantasy. To her alarm, the fire station siren blares while she is naked, leaving her abandoned to find her clothes when her “hero” is called away to a real emergency. This episode reveals (quite literally) that Samantha’s choice leaves her exposed, alone, and ashamed. I wonder, Is this the fairy tale she always dreamed of?

The Confession

Knowing that Charlotte is the hopeful romantic of the bunch, it comes as no surprise to us that she utters the words that “single women in their thirties are never supposed to think, much less say out loud.” Of course, she is the one to confess, “Women just really want to be rescued.” But what’s the big deal? Did she say something wrong? Why are the others so shocked? Is Charlotte still drunk? Or maybe, just maybe, she has stumbled onto something. Do women really long to be rescued? Is there something deep down inside each of us that would love to have the white knight sweep in and carry us away? I think for most girls the answer is, “Yes!”

Recently I watched the hit show The Bachelor. This particular season the bachelor happened to be a real prince. Fighting for his affection and attention were twenty-five beautiful women. In the two-hour premiere, one common theme resonated from the women: they wanted the fairy tale. As the evening progressed and the alcohol flowed, the women revealed more and more of their hearts’ true desires. Each wanted to be chosen by the prince and for her childhood longings of being a princess to come true. As I watched the episode and listened to their comments, I thought, This is reality television. Hungering for love and desiring to be chosen, these women had picked up their lives and moved to a castle in Rome in hopes of being rescued by Prince Charming.

So why did the Sex and the City characters, and perhaps many of us, bristle at Charlotte’s comment? It seems the other characters are much too independent and savvy to admit this inner longing. They pride themselves on self-sufficiency and hope to evolve past any notions of having needs and longings, so they blast Charlotte’s old-fashioned idea with a dose of reality. Reality, according to Miranda, is that “the white knight only exists in the movies.” Her reply rings with bitterness toward men and a lack of trust in anyone but herself. The same is true of Carrie’s response, except she takes a different approach, saying, “Did you ever think that maybe we’re the white knights, and we’re the ones that have to save ourselves?” There it is—the motto of the modern single woman: “I don’t need anyone, and I can do it all by myself.”

Charlotte does not buy their dismissals, and her response to their advice is revealing when she replies, “That’s depressing!” And we have to admit, it is, but why? Probably because as women, since the first time we played with Barbie, we’ve imagined Ken coming in his sports car to rescue her from the clutches of GI Joe. This is part of the fabric of being a girl. But surely, some would say, we’ve all grown up and put those childish dreams behind us. After all, hasn’t life taught us some pretty tough lessons? White knights don’t always come to the rescue, and sometimes, let’s face it, Ken actually likes GI Joe. For some of us, these life lessons have left us hard and a little jaded too. So, like Miranda, it’s easier to shove the desire to be rescued behind us and pretend it’s just a fantasy.

But what if it’s not? Let’s imagine just for a moment that it’s real—the fairy tale, the hero, and all the stuff that romantic movies thrive on. Let’s imagine for just a minute that it is a legitimate longing and examine why Charlotte’s confession resonates with us. Why do women long to be rescued? Why is this desire ingrained in the heart of every little girl? To answer this question, we must dig a little deeper and ask some fundamental questions.

The Rescue

First, what is meant by the word rescue? The word rescue means “to set free, as from danger or imprisonment; to save.” (Kudos, Mr. Webster.) From the damsel in distress, who is tied to train tracks as a high-speed locomotive approaches, to the princess, who is locked away in the perilous castle, the role of the hero is to save his lady from whatever enemy she faces.

I’ll be honest: life’s been so intense at times that I’ve daydreamed that someone comes along and takes me away from it all. I’ve gazed out my office window hoping to see Prince Charming ride up on his white horse (or in an SUV—I’m not really picky about the mode of transportation). Just like Charlotte, I did my share of barhopping in the past, hoping to meet “the one.” But I’ve realized the desire to be rescued goes much deeper than just a longing for a man. I know plenty of women with great men who still have this desire. Women identify with the longing to be rescued—young and old, married and single, rich and poor. Ladies, this desire is bigger than any man can fill—yes, it is even bigger than Mr. Big.

Because this is a common desire, is there also then a common problem? In other words, is there something that we all need to be rescued from? Is there something basic to all of us that causes us to feel like we need help or we need to be set free? What is it that makes us hope and dream that someone will come along who can make all right in our world? Our desire to be rescued implies we are held captive . . . imprisoned.

But what is this prison?

I believe the universal prison in which we are all held is best described in a country song from the ’80s by Waylon Jennings called “Lookin’ for Love in All the Wrong Places.” (Pardon if my country girl roots show through for a bit—we’ll be back to the land of five-dollar coffee and stilettos shortly.) Now, you might remember this song from John Travolta’s hit movie Urban Cowboy (he was totally robbed on the awards that year, by the way). Whatever your history with this song, I’m here to tell you, it is truth! The prison that each of us needs to be rescued from is one of “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.”

The Prison

As a child of the ’80s (a decade of great fashion and even greater music), I grew up singing the words into my hairbrush microphone. But it wasn’t until years later, in the ’90s (now wearing grunge and listening to Nirvana—thankfully that trend was short lived), that I realized just how dead-on these lyrics are about life and love. One might say they are . . . profound. The song is a classic because everyone can identify with the problem. Here’s the point: this song describes, and human experience confirms, that humankind is in a prison—a perpetual and fruitless search for something or someone to make us feel loved, complete, and whole. Each one of us has an empty place in our hearts that aches to be filled.

You know the ache I’m talking about. You aren’t satisfied; you don’t feel complete; something is missing, and you keep hoping that the next relationship or the next job or even a new outfit will remedy the ache, but it doesn’t. Life can be going along great, and, yet, that empty gnawing is still there—the one that cries out, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for!” And as a result, we desperately search and we hunt for a love that will fill our emptiness and make us feel complete. And on and on and on we go.

This is my story. I went looking for love in all kinds of places, only to find myself more empty and confused as a result. From parties to people, from shopping to men, job promotions and even more parties . . . hoping something would bring me a sense of security or love. Happy hour eventually is over, the guy inevitably fails to be perfect, and food may fill a stomach but not a soul. My disillusionment eventually led to despair. Life seemed without hope and joy seemed elusive. I was captive to the emptiness.

I see this same desperation and disappointment in the lives of the women portrayed on the show Sex and the City. While on the surface everything appears glamorous and exciting, if you take a step back and evaluate their soul-searching questions, you see women who are hoping for someone to rescue them from the pain and emptiness they feel.

For example, let’s consider Charlotte. Like most of us girls, she hopes to find the love her heart longs for in a man. She is by far the most hopeful romantic of the crew. Over the six seasons of Sex and the City, we watched as she searched from man to man hoping to find “the one” who would complete her. Did she find him? Well, yes and no. She did get married (two times, in fact), but once she found a husband, did he fill her emptiness? No. The last season ended with Charlotte hoping the ache in her heart would be filled with a child. So, her search continues.

Can you relate? How often do you tell yourself the following?

• If I were married, then my life would be perfect.

• Or, If I had a better job, then I would be satisfied.

• Or, When I buy my own house, then I will be happy.

• Or what about this one? When I lose ten pounds, then I will feel OK.

We believe the solution to the restlessness we feel is remedied by finding something or someone to fill the emptiness in our hearts. But as we all know, those things may work for a season, but after a while that old familiar ache returns and we move on to the next thing or the next person, thinking that this time we will find what we are looking for.

This is why I call “looking for love in all the wrong places” a prison. For some of us it can be a life sentence. The pursuit to fill the void can be endless and full of disappointment. But that leads us to the most important question of all: what caused this emptiness in the first place?

The answer is found in the Bible. Yes, I said the Bible. (You know, the best-selling book of all time? Yes, that’s the one I’m talking about.) In Scripture we are told the story of God and how our problem of “looking for love” first began. The Bible tells us that humanity is created by God and for God. Translation: He is the Designer and Creator of Life, so in order to find out how things got all jacked up in our world, we must go back to the “Designer’s manual.”

Let’s play Fantasy Island for just a minute and imagine Dolce & Gabana designs a one-of-a-kind outfit just for you. It goes without saying that they would know best how this outfit is supposed to be worn (the perfect accessories, fit, shoes, etc.). Why? Because they are the designers. Hello? That’s the same with God. As our Creator, we need to look to Him and His Word (a.k.a. The Bible) to understand how life was meant to be lived. So for us to understand why we deal with insecurity, self-doubt, restlessness, and a perpetually empty soul, we must turn to the original design to see what God created us for and what went wrong.

The Beginning

In Genesis, the first book of the Bible, we find that after five quite productive days of speaking into existence solar systems and farm animals and the oceans and the assorted sea creatures that would fill them, God then turned His creative eye to bring into existence the crown jewel of His creation: humankind.

God spoke: “Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature.”

God formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life. The Man came alive—a living soul!

God looked over everything he had made;
it was so good, so very good!

Genesis 1:26; 2:7; 1:31 (MSG)

In the beginning, God placed the human race in a beautiful garden that He filled with everything they needed for a life of joy, peace, and purpose. Adam and Eve were provided for and given the responsibility to rule over and care for God’s creation. And right from the start, God declared our identity (the “who am I?” question) when He looked on the first man and woman and declared us to be “very good” (Gen. 1:31).

This is a powerful moment. When God speaks over Adam and Eve the word good, He establishes their identity. You know how when you fall in love, one of the best things about being with that special person is how they make you feel about yourself? Well, that is the situation we have here. Our God-given design is one that when we are in relationship with Him, we know who we are and we know we are loved. As the Designer, He alone has the authority to name and define—and His declaration of His design from the very beginning was “very good.”

Here’s the thing: originally humankind didn’t need to be rescued from “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Why not, you ask? Because all was right and good in our world—we didn’t struggle with the self-doubt, insecurity, restlessness, and emptiness that you and I experience today. You see, it was never God’s original design for people to suffer from the nagging inadequacies we feel.

The Bible describes God’s original design of man and woman in a physically descriptive way, which, in truth, speaks to their emotional, psychological, and spiritual condition as well. “The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:25 MSG).

Perhaps you are imagining a hippie nudist colony in the middle of a tree orchard. Maybe this is not your ideal living situation, and I can totally understand your hesitation. The point of the Scripture is not to endorse a clothing-optional lifestyle; the purpose of this text is to explain the pure freedom and confidence that Adam and Eve knew in God’s original design.

The Design

Uncovered. Naked and not ashamed! This is the condition of man and woman while living in the midst of the unconditional love of God. Adam and Eve didn’t know the meaning of insecurity. They didn’t ask questions such as, “Am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Will I be accepted? Am I lovable?” Eve never asked, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?”

Identity is something that is bestowed. We cannot define ourselves. Today, we are always looking outside of ourselves for someone to tell us who we are, but for Adam and Eve, the question of their identity wasn’t up for debate. First of all, when God created them, He essentially said, “You are good and you don’t need to do anything to prove yourself or seek anyone else to tell you that you are worthy of love.” So, for Adam and Eve, the self-worth question was solved. If the God of the universe, who spoke the world into existence, said they were good—then that settled it.

Girlfriends, can you fathom walking into a room and never thinking, Do I look OK? Just imagine being fully known, explicitly seen, and fully loved—never fearing rejection, never meeting a new group of people and feeling like you don’t belong. Try to imagine having a confidence that isn’t based on fickle things such as money, a new pair of shoes, or attracting male attention. Or better yet, what if Carrie didn’t need fashion, Samantha sex, Charlotte a husband, or Miranda her career?

The other reason Adam and Eve were so secure is that they lived in the presence of the One who is love. God “is love” we are told in the Bible; love, defined as seeking the best for others. Because God is the Author of Life and the Giver of all things, He alone is the ultimate expression of love. Love is life giving, and that is exactly who God is.

Adam and Eve lived in the presence of His perfect love, so they had no reason to go searching for anything—because they didn’t know what it was to feel empty. The state of being “naked and not ashamed” implies that they were free to be themselves—without props, without additives, without labels, without pretense. Because they lived in the unconditional love of God, they were secure and they knew they were accepted simply for who they were.

So, for the million-dollar question: what went wrong?

The Scam

The pure freedom and unshakable confidence Adam and Eve experienced were wonderful while they lasted, but the harmony and beauty of Eden were shattered when Satan entered the scene. Previously, God told Adam and Eve that everything in the garden was theirs for enjoyment. Unparalleled beauty. Ultimate bliss. Everything in the Garden of Eden was good for Adam and Eve, except for one thing: “the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” This particular tree was off limits. God told them not to eat of it, for if they did, they would die (Gen. 2:16–17).

Is God a divine fun thwarter, or was there a reason they couldn’t eat of this tree? Here’s the problem: the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil” represented independence from God. The tree itself was fine, but taking the forbidden fruit placed man in a role he was never designed to play—that is, the role of determining for himself what is good and what is evil. God
is the all-creating, all-sustaining, all-defining, all-powerful One. He has the authority to define reality, for He alone is God.

But as we see in the following passage, Satan (starring as the Serpent) scammed Eve into disobeying God. This deception is the root cause of our perpetual search for love and completion today—the real reason we are looking for love in all the wrong places and we all long to be rescued.

The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: “Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?”

The Woman said to the serpent, “Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It’s only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, ‘Don’t eat from it; don’t even touch it or you’ll die.’”

The serpent told the Woman, “You won’t die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you’ll see what’s really going on. You’ll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil.”

When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she’d know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.      Genesis 3:1–6 (MSG)

I’ll give it to Satan; he’s a good salesman. He offered Eve something pretty enticing when he told her, “You will be just like God.” Wow—what an incredible offer! But like my mom always said, “If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” And in this case, the old saying is right.

Satan tricked Eve. But it is important to note just exactly how this ruse went down. First, he caused her to doubt God by asking, “Did God really say?” Then he outright called God a liar when he suggested, “Surely, you won’t die.” By leading Eve to doubt the truthfulness of God’s word, Satan undermined her trust in God.

The serpent called God a liar, and Eve now faced a choice: believe God or believe Satan. So, the great deceiver appealed to her physical senses and gave her ample reasons to buy his con: the forbidden fruit was good for food, able to make one wise, and the ultimate temptation—to be one’s own god. Satan’s lure implied freedom, power, control . . . but in reality, the opposite occurred. (Personally, I’d love it if we could TIVO history. I’d hit rewind. Go back to the beginning, and have a little heart-to-heart with my sister Eve.)
I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, the scam.

Satan’s scam was basically an attack on the goodness of God. His theory went something like this: if God is good, then He would allow you to eat of any tree. God must be bad because He said you can’t eat of this certain tree.

Think back for a minute to your high school days. Remember when your parents said you couldn’t date that certain guy? Remember how you thought they were flat-out evil incarnate and surely they were plotting to ruin your life? But now, you look back and realize your parents were right—that guy wasn’t the best for you. In this scenario protection = love.

The same is true of our relationship with God. Here’s the thing: God knows what is best for us. But as we see, Satan distorts God’s protective provision to be a bad thing, and Eve bought into the lie. She rebelled against her God—her source of life, security, and love.

Perhaps you’ve been in a similar situation. You hear a great marketing pitch about a new cosmetic product that promises to eliminate wrinkles, cellulite, bad breath, and make you taller all at the same time. Sold, you charge the wonder pill to your credit card (at only $49.99 a month for the rest of your life) only later to discover . . . you’ve been scammed! The whole thing is a lie. The wonder pill isn’t so wonderful. It doesn’t deliver on its promises, and with it comes a whole new world of side effects. This is exactly like Satan’s promise to Eve, except the side effects of his scam were far more devastating—they were life altering.

Today, many women, like Eve, are deceived—
believing the lie that the love we hunger for is found in the alluring lifestyle portrayed on Sex and the City. Masked behind couture fashion, clever writing, and beautiful people is a life of searching and desperation. I know because I’ve been there myself. The lure is clever, but the promises don’t deliver. Here’s the big problem with deception: you don’t know it’s a lie until you face the consequences.

The Loss

The sad fact is that Adam and Eve were deceived, but the even sadder reality is that they lost the very thing that made them feel whole, complete, and secure: their relationship with God, their Creator. Separated from their source of confidence and estranged from the Giver of Life, they covered themselves with leaves and tried to hide from God.

Now, “naked” doesn’t imply freedom; it exposes. Vulnerable, ashamed, and confused, they realized something big was missing, and that something was God. In choosing to be their own God, Adam and Eve fell into shame. Their inadequacy to fill God’s shoes was clear, and the shame enveloped them like a fog. So they hid.

We were not created for life separated from God. When Adam and Eve chose to dethrone God and cut the cord of dependence—by deciding for themselves what is good and evil—humankind indeed got independence from God. And this independence is the source of every heartache, disappointment, and the emptiness we experience in the world today.

Recently, as I flipped through TV channels, I came across a documentary about a baby inside a mother’s womb. (Note to self—epidural!) Riveting television. The miracle of life is breathtaking. I sat for hours as the commentator explained the stages of growth and development preceding birth. The most interesting thing I learned about in the wee hours of the
morning was the perfect environment that the child inhabits—the mother’s womb. In the womb a baby is nourished, sheltered, protected, and literally attached to his source of life.

This got me to thinking. That’s a lot like the state of humankind in the garden with God before evil entered the world. Everything we needed was supplied. And there we, too, were connected to our true source of life. So, for us to fully comprehend what we’ve lost, imagine a child taken from the womb, separated from his mother, and left without anyone to feed, protect, or care for him. You might think I’m being a bit dramatic, but this comes as close to illustrating the weight of our loss as anything I know. Simply, we weren’t designed for life apart from God.

Today, we all experience the loss and separation that resulted from Adam and Eve’s fatal decision. Instead of knowing peace and security, we feel angst and incompleteness. Instead of knowing who we are and if we are loved, we are constantly searching and striving for someone to tell us who we are. Our desire to be rescued, therefore, finds its origin in the human need to be reconnected with our Creator—to be back in the place of security and rest that comes from being in His presence—simply, the place we were created to inhabit.

Charlotte is right. Women really do want to be rescued!

The Rest of the Story

I’m just a girl who believed the lie that the deep longings of my soul could be fulfilled in the lifestyle portrayed on Sex and the City. Rescued from the emptiness, I’m here to tell other women the rest of the story. God doesn’t abandon us. He knows our design. He knows apart from Him we are searching, restless, and incomplete. And because He loves us with this incomprehensible love, He comes to rescue us and set us free from our prison of “looking for love in all the wrong places.”

Hang tight; we will discover the rest of that story later.

Before we uncover God’s amazing solution, we need to take a closer look at our problem. In the following chapters we will examine the various ways we, and the women of Sex and the City, attempt to fill this God-shaped hole in our souls. We will discover how these methods are not only inadequate but most of the time destructive. Disconnected from our true Source of love, life, and identity, we turn to these substitutes, hoping they will fill the void. Hear me out; some of these can be good things (relationships, food, sex, careers, success, friendships), but whenever we try to put anything in the place that is intended for God alone, the inadequacy of the substitute becomes painfully obvious. Frustrated and yet still empty, we turn to the next trinket, the next person, or the next pleasure . . . and all along our journey, that small voice inside each of us whispers, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”